Grapple: to engage in a struggle or close encounter (usually followedby with ): He was grappling with a boy twice his size; to try to overcome or deal (usually followed by with ): to grapple with a problem.
I realized today that I am grappling with God over another area of my life that I need to surrender. I am going to admit it, although it will hardly come as a surprise to anyone, my husband's ex-wife drives me crazy. While I would LOVE to spend the next few hours recording all of the reasons why (each of which are very justified, in my opinion) in the lines to follow, it seems to me that doing so would qualify as a "record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:5 leads me to believe that keeping such a record is not a great idea.
As I was driving home from her house today, I came to understand that the reason why I haven't been able to let go of my negative feelings toward her were because I didn't really want to. While I had been able to let go of my negative feelings toward MY ex, I realized that I just might have simply transferred all those icky feelings onto Brian's. Haha. Score one point for the cleverness of denial, and dock me one for a failure of righteousness. So, as with my ex, I didn't want to surrender my feelings, my irritations, or my "rightness" because I find it, on some level, validating and defining. Crap, here I am again. Tell me that's not a sobering thought: that I believe that I need these feelings of bitterness, jealousy, and contempt to define me as a person. Epic fail.
The beauty of a relationship with God, however, is that living with these feelings, and nurturing them (if you will), always causes unrest in the heart. So long as you are in the habit of listening, your friend the Holy Spirit just starts to stir things up and reminds you of verses like 1 John 4:20 & 21. "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters." While I am certainly not saying that I hate her, sometimes the feelings walk perilously close to that edge. I will note, for the record, that the day we went to church with her and her husband (not a double date, my step-daughter was getting baptized), I found it hard to feel animosity (another cleverly disguised word for "hate") toward someone I was worshipping with. It should be hard to not like someone who loves the same God I do, and yet, those feelings lasted only so long as the service.
So later this afternoon I asked God, as I am prone to do, "Why can't following Christ be easier? Why is it that we have to uncover our innermost thoughts and surrender them to His purpose in our lives (besides the Sunday School answer of 'because the Bible says to')?" Invited to respond, the Holy Spirit revealed to my soul, "Maybe it was because nothing Jesus did for you was easy. Living a perfect and sinless life in your place wasn't easy, challenging the religious and cultural norms of his day wasn't easy, and dying a tortured death in your place wasn't either." Oh. That.
When taken from this perspective, the better question that Christ followers should be asking themselves is, "Am I doing anything to shelter myself from a life of truly following Christ? Of skipping the easy trail in favor of the trail that demands more of me, of my faith, and of my commitment to God?" Because really, friends, if it's easy, you probably aren't doing it right. I'm not talking about selling your possessions and creating discomfort for the sake of religion, but I am talking about self-examination of the type that hurts your soul, for the sake of pleasing a God that could have anything he desires, but desires nothing more than to have a deep, meaningful, and personal relationship with each and every one of his creation--something that he does not require of us, but rather gives us the choice to pursue. Or not. Or to do so in a half-assed, let's-just-do-the-fun-stuff-that-feels-good-way. Or with complete and total reckless abandon. With a loss of self that becomes defined by wanting to live a life that more and more, reflects the glory of God's son. For the benefit of your friends. For the benefit of your boss and co-workers. For the benefit of your family. And for the benefit of the exs. For. Their. Benefit. Because something tells me that when I start doing things that will truly benefit either of the exes, I think that I will be the real winner in this deal. I win a heart that is no longer tethered to the ground by roots of anger, bitterness, aggravation, etc; but rather one that can be molded and shaped by the hand of God. The process requires patience and willingness to start over, sometimes every day for awhile, but the end result is a Christlike beauty that the world just needs to see more of.
And really, at the end of the day, I should be sending her a thank-you email every week, because if she hadn't grown weary of her/my husband and had instead stayed married to him, the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of knowing, I wouldn't know the joy of marriage that I do with him now. Honestly, I should feel nothing but gratitude toward her. And you know, the things she does that drive me crazy? Well, she can work those out with God without my help. He probably doesn't need it anyway. :0)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Father's Day...A little late!
Sunday was Father's Day, and while my husband's FD dessert was baking (photo below), and while he was cooking himself a delicious flank steak, I did my resistance workout. I did three rounds, and I was (again) amazed at how important it is for me to have salt. I wasn't even through round two when the headache and nausea hit, so I stopped to drink 1/2 tsp of salt and chug some coconut water. It definitely helped, although I need to be more diligent about taking it earlier because I would have liked to have done four rounds, but just didn't have it in me. Well, that and I wanted to eat FD dinner with Brian and his daughter, and I wouldn't have been able to if I had done another round.
Hooray for awesome husbands who are great dads too!!!
Here I am doing some pushups. They are boy pushups, even though you can't see my feet.
Below is Brian's Father's Day dessert; a paleoish Apple Crisp that was SO yummy and very healthy too!
This is Brian's fabulous flank steak...
Which I use to make a delicious flank steak salad with blue cheese crumbles (just a bit), sliced almonds, and olive oil and white balsamic vinegar for the dressing. SOOOOO yummy!
Hooray for awesome husbands who are great dads too!!!
Hitting a Rough Patch
Today, I hit a rough spot on this road to better health. This morning, Brandon and I went to one of my offices and packed up my stuff, and I think that emotionally, this transition is taking a bit of a toll. We got home and I made him lunch, then I took a brief nap, and then started working on another psych report. The problem is that my mood is in the toilet, and even Sunday's workout, which was really good, didn't help my mood much. Not sure why I'm feeling so crappy lately, but I'm SURE it has to do with hormones!!
I didn't work out yesterday because Sunday night was the worst night I have had in a long time. I had a hard time falling asleep, and then I woke up roasting and had to turn on the AC at 12:30 am. After returning to bed, I had the most horrible nightmare that I can remember having in a really long time, after which I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear that I would start having the same dream again. Needless to say, getting out of bed early Monday morning to exercise is what I should have done, but I didn't. I already had after work plans to go have a drink with my colleagues, and then I had to fetch Brandon at the airport, so I didn't get home and in bed until after 10 pm (hours past my usual bedtime!).
Today, then, was no better. I didn't feel like working out, but I also didn't want to throw my whole challenge away because of today. And I guess, really, it wouldn't be throwing it away because the whole point of the challenge was to get me moving more frequently than I had been, which I have certainly accomplished. Regardless, I am shooting for 18 workouts in 24 days, and skipping today would have killed that chance--so I compromised. Tonight Brandon and I rode our bikes to the park, shot baskets for about 25 minutes, then went on a 20ish minute bike ride. While I did not even so much as break a sweat, here is what I did accomplish:
I got out of the house when I didn't feel like it.
I did something with Brandon that he enjoys, at his request.
It was physical and it was outside on a cold, but not rainy, day.
I rode my bike, which I have been wanting to do more.
So while I did not work my butt off, break a sweat, or exhaust myself, what I did do was better than if I had done nothing at all, and so I am counting it as a "work out." We did have so much fun that Brandon and I are going to go on a longer ride tomorrow evening, which should be nice because it is supposed to be MUCH warmer tomorrow evening. AND I am going to get up early in the morning to do my TRX workout, which also (always) makes me feel good.
I didn't work out yesterday because Sunday night was the worst night I have had in a long time. I had a hard time falling asleep, and then I woke up roasting and had to turn on the AC at 12:30 am. After returning to bed, I had the most horrible nightmare that I can remember having in a really long time, after which I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear that I would start having the same dream again. Needless to say, getting out of bed early Monday morning to exercise is what I should have done, but I didn't. I already had after work plans to go have a drink with my colleagues, and then I had to fetch Brandon at the airport, so I didn't get home and in bed until after 10 pm (hours past my usual bedtime!).
Today, then, was no better. I didn't feel like working out, but I also didn't want to throw my whole challenge away because of today. And I guess, really, it wouldn't be throwing it away because the whole point of the challenge was to get me moving more frequently than I had been, which I have certainly accomplished. Regardless, I am shooting for 18 workouts in 24 days, and skipping today would have killed that chance--so I compromised. Tonight Brandon and I rode our bikes to the park, shot baskets for about 25 minutes, then went on a 20ish minute bike ride. While I did not even so much as break a sweat, here is what I did accomplish:
I got out of the house when I didn't feel like it.
I did something with Brandon that he enjoys, at his request.
It was physical and it was outside on a cold, but not rainy, day.
I rode my bike, which I have been wanting to do more.
So while I did not work my butt off, break a sweat, or exhaust myself, what I did do was better than if I had done nothing at all, and so I am counting it as a "work out." We did have so much fun that Brandon and I are going to go on a longer ride tomorrow evening, which should be nice because it is supposed to be MUCH warmer tomorrow evening. AND I am going to get up early in the morning to do my TRX workout, which also (always) makes me feel good.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Sweatiest Workout Ever!
...And not because I worked so hard either. It's 80 (hallelujah!!) outside, so today's workout was intensified by the heat. Don't think heat intensifies things? Try Bikram Yoga--oh baby, that's a workout!
Just to catch up, I did a great workout on Thursday that ended up being a mini-training session with my favorite trainer, Brian Rager. :) I am struggling with my form on the sandbag clean, so we ended up working on that for about 20 minutes at what became the end of my workout. My two favorite toddlers in the world came to see me, so I cut my workout short so I could babysit. So much more fun that working out, but glad I got to it before they got there.
Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of school for teachers. I got home early but was so emotionally wrung out that I laid down on the couch and slept for 90 minutes. Yes, it was bliss. I then declared it a rest day and did some finish work from my actual job. I was looking forward to today's workout so much I wore my workout clothes all day until it was go time!
I recently (like in the last 2-3 days) realized that I was getting bored with my TRX/Resistance rotation, and that there were a lot of workouts that I used to do from Bodyrock that I missed. Today I made my own workout using some oldies but goodies, as well as some new stuff I have picked up. It wasn't my hardest workout ever, but it was a good one nevertheless. Especially because of the heat--boy, did I sweat today!
My workout for today was:
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Sandbag clean with press @ 45lbs and Jump Lunge with Ugi Twist
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Pullups and Sandbag back lunge with kick-up
5 minutes of jumprope
Abs: Core split (about 20, I lost count)
Mason twist with Ugi (until I was tired)
Leg raise (not enough)
It wasn't a terribly long workout, but (again) I'm going with the heat for my excuse! Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I'll endeavor to get in a longer workout. Next time I will add two more rounds of intervals that I just didn't have the stomach for today due to the heat. And in the future, I am going to alternate a resistance or TRX workout with an oldie from BR. Variety is a necessity for me, and now that I am getting into better shape, it doesn't daunt me to consider mixing it up some more. AND, I start running again next week! Brother gets here Monday night, so Tuesday or Wednesday we will start running. Whoo Hoo! I can't wait!
Here I am doing the mason twist with Ugi. I think that if I were doing this correctly, I would be looking straight ahead, but sometimes I forget important details like that.
I wasn't going to put in one of these pictures, except that I noticed my neck and shoulders. Check out those traps! Holy cow, that's crazy!
And yes, for the record, I do feel a little like a douche-bag interrupting my workout to set the camera. However, blogging this little challenge has helped me stay more accountable and on track, so I will just be okay with feeling like a d-bag from time-to-time.
Just to catch up, I did a great workout on Thursday that ended up being a mini-training session with my favorite trainer, Brian Rager. :) I am struggling with my form on the sandbag clean, so we ended up working on that for about 20 minutes at what became the end of my workout. My two favorite toddlers in the world came to see me, so I cut my workout short so I could babysit. So much more fun that working out, but glad I got to it before they got there.
Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of school for teachers. I got home early but was so emotionally wrung out that I laid down on the couch and slept for 90 minutes. Yes, it was bliss. I then declared it a rest day and did some finish work from my actual job. I was looking forward to today's workout so much I wore my workout clothes all day until it was go time!
I recently (like in the last 2-3 days) realized that I was getting bored with my TRX/Resistance rotation, and that there were a lot of workouts that I used to do from Bodyrock that I missed. Today I made my own workout using some oldies but goodies, as well as some new stuff I have picked up. It wasn't my hardest workout ever, but it was a good one nevertheless. Especially because of the heat--boy, did I sweat today!
My workout for today was:
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Sandbag clean with press @ 45lbs and Jump Lunge with Ugi Twist
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Pullups and Sandbag back lunge with kick-up
5 minutes of jumprope
Abs: Core split (about 20, I lost count)
Mason twist with Ugi (until I was tired)
Leg raise (not enough)
It wasn't a terribly long workout, but (again) I'm going with the heat for my excuse! Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I'll endeavor to get in a longer workout. Next time I will add two more rounds of intervals that I just didn't have the stomach for today due to the heat. And in the future, I am going to alternate a resistance or TRX workout with an oldie from BR. Variety is a necessity for me, and now that I am getting into better shape, it doesn't daunt me to consider mixing it up some more. AND, I start running again next week! Brother gets here Monday night, so Tuesday or Wednesday we will start running. Whoo Hoo! I can't wait!
Here I am doing the mason twist with Ugi. I think that if I were doing this correctly, I would be looking straight ahead, but sometimes I forget important details like that.
I wasn't going to put in one of these pictures, except that I noticed my neck and shoulders. Check out those traps! Holy cow, that's crazy!
And yes, for the record, I do feel a little like a douche-bag interrupting my workout to set the camera. However, blogging this little challenge has helped me stay more accountable and on track, so I will just be okay with feeling like a d-bag from time-to-time.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I'm Not A Quitter!
After yesterday's really awful workout, and a hard day of work today, I was a little worried that I might end up bagging today's workout. But I made a good plan: Go home, have a cup of coffee, then work out. That was a winning plan!
For today's workout I did the TRX workout, but since I didn't get started until about 6:45, I didn't have enough time to do two rounds, so I did one good one and added 30 seconds of jump rope between each exercise set--man I love the jump rope! It really gave the workout a great boost, and next time I will plan to do two rounds and include the rope.
I am finally starting to feel like I am in getting into shape again, and I love that feeling 10 minutes into the workout when you realize that you are going to rock it because you feel great, and doing the work feels great too. Makes me excited to see how much more I can do, or how much further I can push it.
Here, then, are today's pictures: These pictures are of the pistol squats. The first photo is me midway down in the squat, the second photo is me at the bottom of the squat. I hope to someday be able to complete them without needing to hold the TRX straps, but for now they are a big help; otherwise I'd go down and not be able to get back up!!
These pics are of the single arm row with a dumbbell. Great for abs and arms, they are one of my favorite exercises!
I also realized today why I don't eat grains, they make me super gassy and I hate that! Back to the mostly paleo-diet for me, just because it's friendlier to my system.
For tomorrow: I am going to leave work a little early because I need to get home to exercise before my favorite girlies come over while their parents go out. Babysitting the girlies is a favorite way to spend my evening, but I want to make sure I get the workout in first!!!
For today's workout I did the TRX workout, but since I didn't get started until about 6:45, I didn't have enough time to do two rounds, so I did one good one and added 30 seconds of jump rope between each exercise set--man I love the jump rope! It really gave the workout a great boost, and next time I will plan to do two rounds and include the rope.
I am finally starting to feel like I am in getting into shape again, and I love that feeling 10 minutes into the workout when you realize that you are going to rock it because you feel great, and doing the work feels great too. Makes me excited to see how much more I can do, or how much further I can push it.
Here, then, are today's pictures: These pictures are of the pistol squats. The first photo is me midway down in the squat, the second photo is me at the bottom of the squat. I hope to someday be able to complete them without needing to hold the TRX straps, but for now they are a big help; otherwise I'd go down and not be able to get back up!!
These pics are of the single arm row with a dumbbell. Great for abs and arms, they are one of my favorite exercises!
I also realized today why I don't eat grains, they make me super gassy and I hate that! Back to the mostly paleo-diet for me, just because it's friendlier to my system.
For tomorrow: I am going to leave work a little early because I need to get home to exercise before my favorite girlies come over while their parents go out. Babysitting the girlies is a favorite way to spend my evening, but I want to make sure I get the workout in first!!!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Allergy Shot Hangover
Whoa. I had no idea how significantly my allergy shots impact my system until today. Yesterday I had the usual allergy-shot fatigue, which I attributed mostly to the antihistamines, but maybe that's not all of it? Today I was up bright and early, out of bed by 4 am, and started my workout just before 5 AM. Not even halfway through round one, I was thinking, "WTH? This feels horrible!" Long story short, it didn't get any better, and I was only able to struggle through two rounds of my resistance plan today in 21:59. My time isn't horrible, but given that I did this workout two days ago and cranked out four rounds like it was a picnic, while bettering my time by about 10 minutes, today feels like a real blow. Blah.
Since there is a silver lining to every cloud, I will focus on the positive; and the positive is that I WORKED OUT!! Generally I would have just blown-off a day like this with a "Oh who cares?" Well today, even though I wanted to quit after one round, I pushed through a second. And as that one poster says, "A '21:59' minute workout is still better than a 0 minute workout!" Now I will take some extra time to stretch this morning, since I have quite a bit of it left!
May tomorrow be a better workout day!
Since there is a silver lining to every cloud, I will focus on the positive; and the positive is that I WORKED OUT!! Generally I would have just blown-off a day like this with a "Oh who cares?" Well today, even though I wanted to quit after one round, I pushed through a second. And as that one poster says, "A '21:59' minute workout is still better than a 0 minute workout!" Now I will take some extra time to stretch this morning, since I have quite a bit of it left!
May tomorrow be a better workout day!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Bah! Allergy Shots Day!
I am 1 day behind in my blogging. Yesterday I did my TRX workout nice and early, before church and shopping, because I needed to get it done so I could go to church and shopping (duh!)! It was a great workout, and I continue to be impressed by how versatile the TRX really is. So after a really hard workout, for which I was up before 7 am on a Sunday morning (whoo-hoo!), Brian and I went to the farmer's market in Tigard for some fresh veg. We got three heads of lettuce, three bundles of spinach for my morning smoothies, onions, asparagus, and a 1/2 flat of Hood strawberries. Yummers! Okay, downside of supporting local economy? Washing all the freaking veg! It took me 90 minutes to wash and prep everything. Ugh. Oh well, I kept telling myself it was better for me and persevered.
I had forgotten that I had an allergy appointment this morning, to see the doctor and to get my shots. Shot days kick my proverbial ass (as well as my literal one) because of all the antihistamines that I have to take before. So even though I was awake early this morning, I didn't exercise because I was so groggy/drowsy from the drugs. I thought maybe I might be able to work out this afternoon after work, but it's a fight I just can't win on shot days, so I gave myself permission to let this be a rest day. I am at 8 workouts out of my goal of 18, so I am doing really well. I will get back in the saddle early tomorrow morning with a morning resistance workout, and I will remember to put in a pic!
My diet has been bugging me today. I have been craving carbs like crazy, which either means that my period is about to start (possible, since it's always a surprise these days), or I have been indulging in carbs too often--probably the later, but time will tell. So my goal for tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, is to keep my eating clean with only "real" foods (meaning, no chocolate) and nothing processed. Since I just bought three heads of lettuce, and a bunch of other fresh veg, I think I can probably do it. My focus will be on nourishing my body, not satisfying cravings.
I had forgotten that I had an allergy appointment this morning, to see the doctor and to get my shots. Shot days kick my proverbial ass (as well as my literal one) because of all the antihistamines that I have to take before. So even though I was awake early this morning, I didn't exercise because I was so groggy/drowsy from the drugs. I thought maybe I might be able to work out this afternoon after work, but it's a fight I just can't win on shot days, so I gave myself permission to let this be a rest day. I am at 8 workouts out of my goal of 18, so I am doing really well. I will get back in the saddle early tomorrow morning with a morning resistance workout, and I will remember to put in a pic!
My diet has been bugging me today. I have been craving carbs like crazy, which either means that my period is about to start (possible, since it's always a surprise these days), or I have been indulging in carbs too often--probably the later, but time will tell. So my goal for tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, is to keep my eating clean with only "real" foods (meaning, no chocolate) and nothing processed. Since I just bought three heads of lettuce, and a bunch of other fresh veg, I think I can probably do it. My focus will be on nourishing my body, not satisfying cravings.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Day 8
Holy Cow. Today I went to the office from 9-1, making it home around 2 pm. I had a little snack then went to sleep for a three hour nap. Whew! After nappy, at 5 pm, Brian and I got Chipotle tacos for dinner, and I confess, I splurged on the tortilla chips tonight! So by the time I ate and let my iced tea caffeinate me, I didn't start my workout until 7:45. No biggie, when you sleep for three hours of the afternoon, it kind of puts you behind schedule.
Regardless of the late start, I blew today's workout out of the water! Check out these stats:
I did 4 rounds of Don's Resistance Workout. The last time(s) I did 4 rounds of this workout, here were my times:
5/8/12 47:00
5/10/12 49:50
5/15/12 51:46 (included 1 extra set of squats)
5/21/12 49:05 (included 1 extra set of squats and pushups)
6/9/12 39:02
I pulled an average of 10 minutes off my average time! WTH? AND, at the end of round 3, I felt great and thought, "Well, I really don't have an excuse to not do another round." Holy buckets....I guess I am getting into better shape!
My picture for today is me doing the dips. I hope to someday be able to do these without the weight assist, and I am getting stronger doing them, but I fear it will be awhile yet. Oh well, I will just keep on keeping on and wait to see what happens!
My second photo is of my awesome new kicks! This shoes are amazing, and may just be the reason for my amazing work out times. :) They are Salomon trail runners (I can't remember the specs and don't feel like going to look at the box) and they are like heaven for my feet. So comfortable! I keep saying that I am breaking them in, but they don't need any breaking in; I seriously don't think that I will ever buy a different brand of tennie-runners again!
Regardless of the late start, I blew today's workout out of the water! Check out these stats:
I did 4 rounds of Don's Resistance Workout. The last time(s) I did 4 rounds of this workout, here were my times:
5/8/12 47:00
5/10/12 49:50
5/15/12 51:46 (included 1 extra set of squats)
5/21/12 49:05 (included 1 extra set of squats and pushups)
6/9/12 39:02
I pulled an average of 10 minutes off my average time! WTH? AND, at the end of round 3, I felt great and thought, "Well, I really don't have an excuse to not do another round." Holy buckets....I guess I am getting into better shape!
My picture for today is me doing the dips. I hope to someday be able to do these without the weight assist, and I am getting stronger doing them, but I fear it will be awhile yet. Oh well, I will just keep on keeping on and wait to see what happens!
My second photo is of my awesome new kicks! This shoes are amazing, and may just be the reason for my amazing work out times. :) They are Salomon trail runners (I can't remember the specs and don't feel like going to look at the box) and they are like heaven for my feet. So comfortable! I keep saying that I am breaking them in, but they don't need any breaking in; I seriously don't think that I will ever buy a different brand of tennie-runners again!
Footgasm with every step.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Rise n' Shine!
Life happened to me yesterday. I had to work late, stop at Whole Foods on my way home, and get new shoes at REI. Had to. The result was that when I got home, at after 6 pm, I hadn't worked out and my husband, who is normally at my beck and call, declared that he was not hungry and would not be making dinner. Ugh. Work out, or dinner? Well, if I don't cook dinner then I don't have anything to eat for lunch the next day, so I cooked. The logical consequence, then, is that I had to wake up EARLY today to work out before work, because I have a date with my hairstylist and a hard pear cider after work.
So get this, I went to bed at 8:30 last night (Yes, lights out at 8:30, except that it was still light outside.), and bounced out of bed at 4:15 this morning. WTH? I'm going to say this for my little challenge, I have noticed an amazing amount of increased energy since I started this, and I am sleeping better too! Who knew? Anyway, workout started at 5:05 AM, and I have to tell you, jumping rope at 5 am is really hard. I think I beat myself black and blue with my rope today, and I wanted to quit SO badly, but what doesn't kill you (or in this case, maim you) will only make you stronger, so I persevered.
Today I did Go Kaleo's Playground Workout. I did the first two rounds, and had to stop because I ran out of time and need to get ready for work (typing manically fast here). So here is my proof photo, and here are my thoughts about this photo:
1) I looked funnier with the red eyes.
2) Brian took about 5 photos, and all the other photos had a very noticeable camel-toe; which means that I must sport a total camel-toe whenever I workout in these pants. Awesome. Well, I guess that's just another great reason to work out at home.
3) I sort of jump rope like a fairy.
Well, kudos to me for keeping this little game plan up! Pear cider for me tonight!!!
So get this, I went to bed at 8:30 last night (Yes, lights out at 8:30, except that it was still light outside.), and bounced out of bed at 4:15 this morning. WTH? I'm going to say this for my little challenge, I have noticed an amazing amount of increased energy since I started this, and I am sleeping better too! Who knew? Anyway, workout started at 5:05 AM, and I have to tell you, jumping rope at 5 am is really hard. I think I beat myself black and blue with my rope today, and I wanted to quit SO badly, but what doesn't kill you (or in this case, maim you) will only make you stronger, so I persevered.
Today I did Go Kaleo's Playground Workout. I did the first two rounds, and had to stop because I ran out of time and need to get ready for work (typing manically fast here). So here is my proof photo, and here are my thoughts about this photo:
1) I looked funnier with the red eyes.
2) Brian took about 5 photos, and all the other photos had a very noticeable camel-toe; which means that I must sport a total camel-toe whenever I workout in these pants. Awesome. Well, I guess that's just another great reason to work out at home.
3) I sort of jump rope like a fairy.
Well, kudos to me for keeping this little game plan up! Pear cider for me tonight!!!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Keeping the Fires Burning
Won't it be great if my abs are ever defined, in a shape other than round? Haha!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Days 3 & 4
Well, I am pleased to announce that I am at WO #4, and still doing pretty good. Yesterday I did the resistance workout, 3 Rounds, in 33 minutes (give or take a few). It was a good workout, and I felt good completing it. The blurry picture below is me doing pulse lunges with my 10 lb Ugi Fitness Ball. I love my Ugi, but I totally underutilize it.
Today I did two rounds of the TRX workout, and I really believe that this baby is going to sculpt my back and inner thighs because both are SO sore!! I did the abs too, but I forgot to take a picture, so you will have to take my word for it. I am afraid, however, that the stress of the day may have negated my positive workout gains because I felt totally "compelled" to eat a bunch of chocolate covered almonds afterwards. I know, not the worst splurge ever, but that, combined with the amazing hamburger patty I had for dinner, might have undone my work. :) An occasional night of splurge, however, is unlikely to set me back too far.
So I have two more days to go in this week's challenge. Tomorrow I am doing 4 rounds of the resistance work out. I am almost ready to add another 5 lbs to the bag, but I want to do at least 1-2 days of all 5 rounds before I bump it up. For Thursday, I am thinking of doing the GoKaleo playground workout in my garage, just to switch things up a bit. Then Friday, REST DAY!
And really, the true celebration is that there are only 7 more days of school left in this school year. Thank goodness!!!
Today I did two rounds of the TRX workout, and I really believe that this baby is going to sculpt my back and inner thighs because both are SO sore!! I did the abs too, but I forgot to take a picture, so you will have to take my word for it. I am afraid, however, that the stress of the day may have negated my positive workout gains because I felt totally "compelled" to eat a bunch of chocolate covered almonds afterwards. I know, not the worst splurge ever, but that, combined with the amazing hamburger patty I had for dinner, might have undone my work. :) An occasional night of splurge, however, is unlikely to set me back too far.
So I have two more days to go in this week's challenge. Tomorrow I am doing 4 rounds of the resistance work out. I am almost ready to add another 5 lbs to the bag, but I want to do at least 1-2 days of all 5 rounds before I bump it up. For Thursday, I am thinking of doing the GoKaleo playground workout in my garage, just to switch things up a bit. Then Friday, REST DAY!
And really, the true celebration is that there are only 7 more days of school left in this school year. Thank goodness!!!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Day 2 of 24: The Challenge Continues
Today was TRX day, and I did it. The whole workout, for the first time. It was a killer, and really took me longer than it should have, but whatevs--I got it done and that is what counts! Here is my "proof," two photos of me doing Slalom Crunches with the TRX. Speaking of Slalom, I bought an awesome new pair of trail runners for this weekend, Salomon brand. :) I can't wait until they get here, and I can't wait until I get to wear them camping in July!
If any friend wants to come and work out with me, I'm happy for the company!!
On tap for tomorrow, Don's Resistance Work Out, three rounds or better.
If any friend wants to come and work out with me, I'm happy for the company!!
On tap for tomorrow, Don's Resistance Work Out, three rounds or better.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Regaining a Sense of Self with Goal Setting
In honor of finding myself and setting my priorities straight, I have set a goal for the next three weeks:
18 workouts in 24 days
This is a big challenge for me because, at best, I work out 4 times a week, and not consistently. My goal is to not look at the whole sum of the challenge, but to take each day as it's own and just accomplish today's work out. I will post a photo of each workout as a journal, and at the end of the month, I will post "after" pictures with my before pictures from January 1 as a comparison group. Getting stronger and having bigger muscules is a priority for me. :)
6/2/12: Workout #1: Don's Resistance work out, 2 rounds @ 28:23. It's been since 5/21 that I did this workout, and I really felt it today. The last time I did it I completed 4 rounds + 2 exercises in a 5th round, but today just doing the two rounds was a push--but it's a (re)start! The photo is of my second round of pull-ups, which I do using a pull-up band that provides about a 75 lb weight assist. I am getting stronger! When I first started, even with the band, I couldn't do 3 pull-ups, and now I am able to do 9 without stopping for a rest, and then I gave myself a little hop for the 10th on both sets today. That is also an improvement, because I used to only be able to do 7 before stopping for a breather, and I had to give myself a leg up on the last three, in addition to the band! Once I get to where I can do 5 rounds with it (so 50 pull-ups total), then I will purchase the next smaller band and start again. My goal is to be able to do unassisted pullups, ideally by the time I am 40. Whoo hoo, how cool would that be? A 40-year-old doing dead-hang pullups.
And since I only did two rounds, I did all of my push-ups from my toes, no knees. That's 40 boy-pushups, but I do have to take a couple of 2-3 second breaks toward the end.
On tap for tomorrow? My new TRX workout, with ABS!! I swear I will do abs tomorrow, and not skip them like I usually do. Proof tomorrow will be the pic. :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Liberation of Being Not Right
Recently a friend who is going through a twelve step program told me about how she had to deal with resentment she felt toward someone in her life. "Well hold the phone," I thought. I've got healthy heart-full of that for my ex-husband Harry. I had a list of wrongs about a mile-and-a-half long that just kept interfering in my thoughts, my actions, and my feelings of forgiveness and healing from what was a generally hurtful, long, and painful 12 year marriage. I've spent the last 7 years trying to get that monkey off of my back; so, intrigued, I asked her what she did to get past those feelings.
Here's the secret formula: You pray for them. Huh? The heaping-hot-coals-on-their-head-verse-that-I-have-adapted-into-a prayer prayer?? That one? Guess not. She said that the main thing that she did was to pray a simple prayer for this person, one time a day, for about 3 weeks. After doing this for three weeks she was truly free from her feelings of resentment toward this person that she sees on a regular basis. Figuring it couldn't hurt, and since I'd tried most other things, I decided that "ravioli, ravioli, I'll try the form-i-oli" and do the same.
I"ll be honest, I was a teensy bit skeptical because it seemed so formulaic, but I know the whole "power of positive thinking" thing, and I know the power of an honest prayer to change a heart through God's way of thinking. So, on Monday night, I began my prayer, and it went something like this:
"God, I pray for Harry to have prosperity; financial prosperity, relationship prosperity, prosperity in whatever way he receives it. I pray for him to be happy; for him to find true happiness in you. Finally, I pray for him to have health; health so that he can live a long, healthy, prosperous, and happy life. And I pray that you would turn my heart away from feelings of resentment, and instead turn my heart toward you and your heart for Harry."
That was it, and I've been praying that every day since Monday, sometimes more than once if needed (or just to be sure to cover my bases in case I might have accidentally forgotten).
So add to that mix a message I listened to from Solid Rock Church. The pastor was talking about how depression and anxiety are symptoms of larger issues, deeper hurts, or wounds that haven't healed. Generalizing that to this area of resentment, I prayed that God would show me my deeper hurts, what I was holding on to that was causing me to continue to come back to feelings of resentment toward Harry.
Apparently God just needed the invitation from a willing heart, because almost immediately he gave me an answer. I have been holding on to past hurts, wrongs, injuries because I felt a need to be justified. To be right. Like, "See how bad that was? Let me tell you just how bad it was. Share in my hurt feelings. Wallow with me a bit." I erroneously thought that somehow, by holding on to these events, these feelings, I was holding on to justification...justification for my divorce, my feelings of righteous indignation, my feelings of being wronged. God showed me that I was afraid to let go of those feelings for fear of being not right. Being right was so motivating to me that I was holding on to past garbage for the sake of feeling right. What does that get you? "I'll take Emotional Bondage for 100 Alex." 'Cause that's what it got me.
How stupid is that? I was so invested in feeling right, in feeling justified, that I was keeping myself in emotional bondage to old feelings that I longed to let go of. Well let me tell you, as soon as God revealed that to me, I just figuratively barfed all of those black, yucky feelings all over the Throne of God (He's okay with me doing that) and left it there. I will continue my prayer of blessing for Harry, but now whenever I feel those old feelings creeping in, I'll call it what it is and leave it with God again. And again. And a hundred million times if that's what it takes to leave it behind for good.
A friend recently reminded me of this verse:
Matthew 11:28-30 New Living Translation (NLT)
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest
for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest
for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Rest for my soul? Yes, please. A lighter burden? Yes, please. What I didn't realize is that there is an admonition in this verse as well. "Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart." Okay. Who doesn't want to be humble with a gentle heart? I know people who fit that description and I want to be like them--like Jesus! I am betting that being the kind of person who clings desperately to being right doesn't make it to humble and gentle-hearted. Well, I am not going to be left in the dust on this one, no sir!
So my question for my friends is this, "What feeling of 'rightness' are you clinging to? Are they holding you back, keeping you focused on things that don't matter? Is it worth the emotional baggage to keep carrying that crap around all the time, or would it be so much better, so much lighter to leave that with God and be free from being right?" Let Jesus teach you. With the sincere invitation, He'll free you too. :)
Here's to living a life of being not right!!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Hormones...The Saga
Hormones. Something we know so little about in our youth, except that they made us feel ridiculously sexy and invincible when we were ridiculously young, and really, probably made us act ridiculous as a result. I say "probably" because I am not sure that I actually did the things I see all the high school girls doing in the halls of the school where I work. I am SURE that I was the exception. (Denial is a lovely place, if you haven't visited there lately, you should give it a try.)
The first real time that I started to notice hormonal changes occurred in my early 20s, after giving birth to Gage, my oldest son. In my carefree youth (just a few years before), I used to find horrific things entertaining. I believe that I actually watched a movie entitled "The Faces of Death" with my cousin Mary, and even though (if memory serves) it was a movie of actual footage of people being being killed in various grisly accidents, I remember she and I laughing maniacally while my uncle looked on in disbelief. No, I wasn't sadistic, I didn't torture animals (insects don't count, and I hadn't done that in years), and I didn't actually want to hurt anyone or see anyone get hurt. But for a thousand developmentally appropriate reasons, we just thought it was funny, mostly because it wasn't happening to us (egocentrism at it's finest).
Fast forward five years. (Yikes, had I known at 16 that I would be a mom at 20, I'd like to believe that I would have lived life a little differently. But here I am again, visiting in the land of Denial.) After delivery, the strangest thing happened; I started to choke up over things I might have previously scoffed at, or laughed at as lame. Sad commercials (Yes, there are sad ones.) And sad songs--oh please! I remember the time that Eighteen Wheeler by Alabama came on the radio and I full-on started to cry. No kidding, I had to start skipping that song whenever it came on, and (insert embarrassment here) I still do. What had happened during pregnancy that had made me more sensitive and vulnerable, without logic or reason? Hormones. That's what happened. And they weren't done with me.
I noticed the next little change when I turned 29 and I was no longer interested in sex as a recreational activity, I was interested in it as a necessary activity. I was married to my first husband and I remember our having a conversation (that is a nice word for fight when you are in a troubled marriage) wherein I was trying to impress upon him the necessity of meeting my physical needs. I would like to believe that it was my request for thrice weekly servicings, and his subsequent refusal, that predicated our divorce, but it wasn't. I SHOULD have divorced him for that alone, but I didn't, turns out there were bigger issues that that. But I was amazed at how something that had been for fun before was now becoming a need. Why were men looking SO good? Even (sometimes) the not so good looking ones? Had my judgement left the house? Did I have a new "type?" Nope. It was the hormones. Again.
Now, approaching 40 (but still looking good), I had my hormones tested because (no duh) I knew that something was wrong. Well, I knew a lot of things were wrong because I was generally in a oh-I-hope-we-don't-tonight mood, whereas just two years ago I was saying to Brian (my forever husband), "You gots to meet my needs again tonight because the Bible says so!" While there are a number of factors outside of my control that are certainly impacting my energy level regarding extra-curricular marital activities, it also turns out my progesterone levels are the same as those of a post-menopausal woman. What? I don't think so. I took a bath in topical progesterone cream when I got the results. I won't tell you how things are going since then, 'cause that part's none of your bizness. But really, why do hormones have to be another something for us gals to have to manage? Aren't babies, PMS, periods, bloating, cramps, and mood swings enough? Now we have to keep the hormones managed too, or risk being crazy, psychotic, super bitchy, or overly emotional? Ugh. I don't have the energy for this. Or to manage my iPod based upon which songs will bring me to tears after having just put on my eye-make up. Case in point:
Today, as I was getting ready for work, Seven Spanish Angels by Willie Nelson came on. Here is a quick rundown on the lyrics, so you can mentally get yourself in the same space I was in:
He looked down into her blue eyes, and said
"Say a prayer for me." She
Threw her arms around him, whispered
"God will keep us free."
They could hear the riders comin', he said,
"This is my last fight...If they
Take me back to Texas, they won't
Take me back alive.
There were seven Spanish angels, at the
Altar of the sun.
They were prayin' for the lovers, in the
Valley of the gun.
When the battle stopped and the smoke cleared,
There was thunder from the throne,
And seven spanish angels, took another
Angel home.
She reached down and picked the gun up,
That lay smokin in his hand.
She said, "Father please forgive me;
I can't make it without my man."
And she knew the gun was empty,
And she knew she couldn't win,
But her final prayer was answered
When the rifles fired again.
I'm curling my hair, doing my make-up, whatever, and for reals, I choked up. I had to swallow back a sob. Are you kidding me? Willie Nelson in the morning and I am wiping tears away. This has to stop. The 17-year-old-me, who still lives in my head (thank goodness), almost yelled, out loud, "Are you effing kidding me? Get a grip!" (I cussed a lot when I was 17, I'm trying to clean up her/my mental mouth. It's a process, we are making gains.) Looks like I'll be skipping that song on the iPod now too. Curses.
Sadly, I know for sure, that this isn't over.
The first real time that I started to notice hormonal changes occurred in my early 20s, after giving birth to Gage, my oldest son. In my carefree youth (just a few years before), I used to find horrific things entertaining. I believe that I actually watched a movie entitled "The Faces of Death" with my cousin Mary, and even though (if memory serves) it was a movie of actual footage of people being being killed in various grisly accidents, I remember she and I laughing maniacally while my uncle looked on in disbelief. No, I wasn't sadistic, I didn't torture animals (insects don't count, and I hadn't done that in years), and I didn't actually want to hurt anyone or see anyone get hurt. But for a thousand developmentally appropriate reasons, we just thought it was funny, mostly because it wasn't happening to us (egocentrism at it's finest).
Fast forward five years. (Yikes, had I known at 16 that I would be a mom at 20, I'd like to believe that I would have lived life a little differently. But here I am again, visiting in the land of Denial.) After delivery, the strangest thing happened; I started to choke up over things I might have previously scoffed at, or laughed at as lame. Sad commercials (Yes, there are sad ones.) And sad songs--oh please! I remember the time that Eighteen Wheeler by Alabama came on the radio and I full-on started to cry. No kidding, I had to start skipping that song whenever it came on, and (insert embarrassment here) I still do. What had happened during pregnancy that had made me more sensitive and vulnerable, without logic or reason? Hormones. That's what happened. And they weren't done with me.
I noticed the next little change when I turned 29 and I was no longer interested in sex as a recreational activity, I was interested in it as a necessary activity. I was married to my first husband and I remember our having a conversation (that is a nice word for fight when you are in a troubled marriage) wherein I was trying to impress upon him the necessity of meeting my physical needs. I would like to believe that it was my request for thrice weekly servicings, and his subsequent refusal, that predicated our divorce, but it wasn't. I SHOULD have divorced him for that alone, but I didn't, turns out there were bigger issues that that. But I was amazed at how something that had been for fun before was now becoming a need. Why were men looking SO good? Even (sometimes) the not so good looking ones? Had my judgement left the house? Did I have a new "type?" Nope. It was the hormones. Again.
Now, approaching 40 (but still looking good), I had my hormones tested because (no duh) I knew that something was wrong. Well, I knew a lot of things were wrong because I was generally in a oh-I-hope-we-don't-tonight mood, whereas just two years ago I was saying to Brian (my forever husband), "You gots to meet my needs again tonight because the Bible says so!" While there are a number of factors outside of my control that are certainly impacting my energy level regarding extra-curricular marital activities, it also turns out my progesterone levels are the same as those of a post-menopausal woman. What? I don't think so. I took a bath in topical progesterone cream when I got the results. I won't tell you how things are going since then, 'cause that part's none of your bizness. But really, why do hormones have to be another something for us gals to have to manage? Aren't babies, PMS, periods, bloating, cramps, and mood swings enough? Now we have to keep the hormones managed too, or risk being crazy, psychotic, super bitchy, or overly emotional? Ugh. I don't have the energy for this. Or to manage my iPod based upon which songs will bring me to tears after having just put on my eye-make up. Case in point:
Today, as I was getting ready for work, Seven Spanish Angels by Willie Nelson came on. Here is a quick rundown on the lyrics, so you can mentally get yourself in the same space I was in:
He looked down into her blue eyes, and said
"Say a prayer for me." She
Threw her arms around him, whispered
"God will keep us free."
They could hear the riders comin', he said,
"This is my last fight...If they
Take me back to Texas, they won't
Take me back alive.
There were seven Spanish angels, at the
Altar of the sun.
They were prayin' for the lovers, in the
Valley of the gun.
When the battle stopped and the smoke cleared,
There was thunder from the throne,
And seven spanish angels, took another
Angel home.
She reached down and picked the gun up,
That lay smokin in his hand.
She said, "Father please forgive me;
I can't make it without my man."
And she knew the gun was empty,
And she knew she couldn't win,
But her final prayer was answered
When the rifles fired again.
I'm curling my hair, doing my make-up, whatever, and for reals, I choked up. I had to swallow back a sob. Are you kidding me? Willie Nelson in the morning and I am wiping tears away. This has to stop. The 17-year-old-me, who still lives in my head (thank goodness), almost yelled, out loud, "Are you effing kidding me? Get a grip!" (I cussed a lot when I was 17, I'm trying to clean up her/my mental mouth. It's a process, we are making gains.) Looks like I'll be skipping that song on the iPod now too. Curses.
Sadly, I know for sure, that this isn't over.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Going Without
It's January 2012 and I sit 3 months away from my 38th birthday. As I suspect is the case for most women my age, I feel, on the inside, like I am still in my prime--which I have determined to be somewhere between the ages of 17 and 18. That is the last age that I can remember wherein I was fit, trim, and felt bold and confident about my body. Although I had been very active as a high school athlete, I got married (one week before my 19th birthday) to a man whose idea of exercise was lifting a beer can to his lips--regular physical activity wasn't a value in our home. Subsequently, my 20s were marked by periods of skinny-fat (being skinny but not fit) and yo-yo dieting because, as he often said, "What's to stop you from losing another 5 pounds?"
Ah the 20s...before my stomach and digestive track broke down in my 30s, I was able to eat anything I wanted (and did so, regularly), with nary a thought as to the food's benefit or detriment to my body. One day my friend Teresa and I were going to a football game, and on the way that I stopped in to a Sonic for dinner. When I asked her what she wanted, she replied, "Oh I can't eat this kind of food anymore. My body just can't handle the grease and stuff." Aghast, I replied, "I think I would DIE if I couldn't eat Sonic anymore. That's sad." After all, this is the same Sonic food chain who, periodically, produces a cake batter milkshake of which the taste rivals the ecstasy of a mediocre orgasm (yes, some orgasms are only mediocre).
Oh karma, you are such a fickle mistress. Here I am now, in my late 30s, and the closest I have been to a Sonic is to gaze longingly at it as I drive slowly past. Now realistically, I wouldn't want to put the junk they serve there into my body (very often), but to have a milkshake every now and then...oh what I wouldn't give! The injustice of this situation is often marked by the echo of a childhood "I told you so." My aunt Frances, while watching me eat as a youth, would often comment, "You better enjoy that while you can, you won't get to do that forever." At the time, couldn't fathom what she was talking about, andI don't know that it would have mattered if I had. I have come to believe that as humans, we can have no genuine appreciation for something until it is gone. Cases in point:
I graduated from a school in Eastern Oregon that was VERY small. There were ten kids in the high school, and only three in my graduating class (one of which was my sister, who graduated a year early). As a Junior, I spent the year lamenting the injustices of attending a school so small, vowing to leave that little one-horse town and never return, and questioning the sanity of the people who lived there. Now, 20 years later, I find the town charming and I have a retirement fantasy of owning a home there. At the time, maybe because I didn't have a choice as to whether or not I was going to live there, I could find very little to love about it. Now, however, I can appreciate the beauty of the small town, nestled (literally) in the Blue Mountains. I love that the people I know still living there are genuine, friendly to a fault, and content--they don't need no stinking city!!
Later on, when my kids were young (ages 4 and 9), getting them up and out of the house each morning was sometimes akin to summiting the peak of a small mountain. Many days I would get to work, collapse on Teresa's couch, and say something to the effect of, "Today I just wanted to put a brick on the gas pedal, point the Suburban toward a telephone pole, and jump from the rig. Getting here today was HORRIBLE." She would laugh, let me vent, and then she would say, "I know it's hard, but they grow so fast, someday you are going to look back at these times and you will miss them." Dammit, she was right. And not just because she is a touchy-feely social worker, but because at the time she had two high-school aged boys of her own. She knew that eventually I would miss those times because she, herself, had been there and done that, and knew that once it was gone, you can't get it back.
So the moral of the story is: insomuch as you can, appreciate the trials and the experiences in life as you are experiencing them. Nostalgia is best served with contentment, so to be able to look back over your life experiences and recall that you enjoyed the event to it's fullest is one of the sweetest gifts of all. There have been many times where I would find myself in that familiar mindset of "I just can't wait until this is behind me," and I recall that I used to think that way about the various developmental stages of my children. And now I do, indeed, miss those times. I don't want to undervalue any of my life experiences as I believe that at some point in the future, I will think back to the present day with a touch of longing and wistfulness. What I don't want to feel is regret--both for my actions, or for my attitude, so I try to appreciate each moment--even (and especially) the crappy ones. You just don't get those back.
To that end, I shall rejoice then, in my dairy-free, grain-free, caffeine-free diet that keeps my stomach and digestive track from rebelling day and night. While I think, at times, that it couldn't get worse than this, somehow I suspect that it could. I am sure that someone with Crohn's Disease could shed a little light on the injustice that I perceive. And for any of you girls in your 20s, or for those who have the benefit of a digestive track that has NOT YET broken down, drink a milkshake and eat a cheese burger for ME!!!! And wait, it might happen to you too if you are expecting to turn 40 someday!
Ah the 20s...before my stomach and digestive track broke down in my 30s, I was able to eat anything I wanted (and did so, regularly), with nary a thought as to the food's benefit or detriment to my body. One day my friend Teresa and I were going to a football game, and on the way that I stopped in to a Sonic for dinner. When I asked her what she wanted, she replied, "Oh I can't eat this kind of food anymore. My body just can't handle the grease and stuff." Aghast, I replied, "I think I would DIE if I couldn't eat Sonic anymore. That's sad." After all, this is the same Sonic food chain who, periodically, produces a cake batter milkshake of which the taste rivals the ecstasy of a mediocre orgasm (yes, some orgasms are only mediocre).
Oh karma, you are such a fickle mistress. Here I am now, in my late 30s, and the closest I have been to a Sonic is to gaze longingly at it as I drive slowly past. Now realistically, I wouldn't want to put the junk they serve there into my body (very often), but to have a milkshake every now and then...oh what I wouldn't give! The injustice of this situation is often marked by the echo of a childhood "I told you so." My aunt Frances, while watching me eat as a youth, would often comment, "You better enjoy that while you can, you won't get to do that forever." At the time, couldn't fathom what she was talking about, andI don't know that it would have mattered if I had. I have come to believe that as humans, we can have no genuine appreciation for something until it is gone. Cases in point:
I graduated from a school in Eastern Oregon that was VERY small. There were ten kids in the high school, and only three in my graduating class (one of which was my sister, who graduated a year early). As a Junior, I spent the year lamenting the injustices of attending a school so small, vowing to leave that little one-horse town and never return, and questioning the sanity of the people who lived there. Now, 20 years later, I find the town charming and I have a retirement fantasy of owning a home there. At the time, maybe because I didn't have a choice as to whether or not I was going to live there, I could find very little to love about it. Now, however, I can appreciate the beauty of the small town, nestled (literally) in the Blue Mountains. I love that the people I know still living there are genuine, friendly to a fault, and content--they don't need no stinking city!!
Later on, when my kids were young (ages 4 and 9), getting them up and out of the house each morning was sometimes akin to summiting the peak of a small mountain. Many days I would get to work, collapse on Teresa's couch, and say something to the effect of, "Today I just wanted to put a brick on the gas pedal, point the Suburban toward a telephone pole, and jump from the rig. Getting here today was HORRIBLE." She would laugh, let me vent, and then she would say, "I know it's hard, but they grow so fast, someday you are going to look back at these times and you will miss them." Dammit, she was right. And not just because she is a touchy-feely social worker, but because at the time she had two high-school aged boys of her own. She knew that eventually I would miss those times because she, herself, had been there and done that, and knew that once it was gone, you can't get it back.
So the moral of the story is: insomuch as you can, appreciate the trials and the experiences in life as you are experiencing them. Nostalgia is best served with contentment, so to be able to look back over your life experiences and recall that you enjoyed the event to it's fullest is one of the sweetest gifts of all. There have been many times where I would find myself in that familiar mindset of "I just can't wait until this is behind me," and I recall that I used to think that way about the various developmental stages of my children. And now I do, indeed, miss those times. I don't want to undervalue any of my life experiences as I believe that at some point in the future, I will think back to the present day with a touch of longing and wistfulness. What I don't want to feel is regret--both for my actions, or for my attitude, so I try to appreciate each moment--even (and especially) the crappy ones. You just don't get those back.
To that end, I shall rejoice then, in my dairy-free, grain-free, caffeine-free diet that keeps my stomach and digestive track from rebelling day and night. While I think, at times, that it couldn't get worse than this, somehow I suspect that it could. I am sure that someone with Crohn's Disease could shed a little light on the injustice that I perceive. And for any of you girls in your 20s, or for those who have the benefit of a digestive track that has NOT YET broken down, drink a milkshake and eat a cheese burger for ME!!!! And wait, it might happen to you too if you are expecting to turn 40 someday!
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