The Liberation of Being Not Right

Recently a friend who is going through a twelve step program told me about how she had to deal with resentment she felt toward someone in her life.  "Well hold the phone," I thought.  I've got healthy heart-full of that for my ex-husband Harry.  I had a list of wrongs about a mile-and-a-half long that just kept interfering in my thoughts, my actions, and my feelings of forgiveness and healing from what was a generally hurtful, long, and painful 12 year marriage.  I've spent the last 7 years trying to get that monkey off of my back; so, intrigued, I asked her what she did to get past those feelings.  

Here's the secret formula:  You pray for them.  Huh?  The heaping-hot-coals-on-their-head-verse-that-I-have-adapted-into-a prayer prayer??  That one?  Guess not.  She said that the main thing that she did was to pray a simple prayer for this person, one time a day, for about 3 weeks.  After doing this for three weeks she was truly free from her feelings of resentment toward this person that she sees on a regular basis.  Figuring it couldn't hurt, and since I'd tried most other things, I decided that "ravioli, ravioli, I'll try the form-i-oli" and do the same.

I"ll be honest, I was a teensy bit skeptical because it seemed so formulaic, but I know the whole "power of positive thinking" thing, and I know the power of an honest prayer to change a heart through God's way of thinking.  So, on Monday night, I began my prayer, and it went something like this:

"God, I pray for Harry to have prosperity; financial prosperity, relationship prosperity, prosperity in whatever way he receives it.  I pray for him to be happy; for him to find true happiness in you.  Finally, I pray for him to have health; health so that he can live a long, healthy, prosperous, and happy life.  And I pray that you would turn my heart away from feelings of resentment, and instead turn my heart toward you and your heart for Harry."  

That was it, and I've been praying that every day since Monday, sometimes more than once if needed (or just to be sure to cover my bases in case I might have accidentally forgotten).

So add to that mix a message I listened to from Solid Rock Church.  The pastor was talking about how depression and anxiety are symptoms of larger issues, deeper hurts, or wounds that haven't healed.  Generalizing that to this area of resentment, I prayed that God would show me my deeper hurts, what I was holding on to that was causing me to continue to come back to feelings of resentment toward Harry.  

Apparently God just needed the invitation from a willing heart, because almost immediately he gave me an answer.  I have been holding on to past hurts, wrongs, injuries because I felt a need to be justified.  To be right.  Like, "See how bad that was? Let me tell you just how bad it was.  Share in my hurt feelings.  Wallow with me a bit."  I erroneously thought that somehow, by holding on to these events, these feelings, I was holding on to justification...justification for my divorce, my feelings of righteous indignation, my feelings of being wronged.  God showed me that I was afraid to let go of those feelings for fear of being not right.  Being right was so motivating to me that I was holding on to past garbage for the sake of feeling right.  What does that get you?  "I'll take Emotional Bondage for 100 Alex."  'Cause that's what it got me.

How stupid is that?  I was so invested in feeling right, in feeling justified, that I was keeping myself in emotional bondage to old feelings that I longed to let go of.  Well let me tell you, as soon as God revealed that to me, I just figuratively barfed all of those black, yucky feelings all over the Throne of God (He's okay with me doing that) and left it there. I will continue my prayer of blessing for Harry, but now whenever I feel those old feelings creeping in, I'll call it what it is and leave it with God again. And again.  And a hundred million times if that's what it takes to leave it behind for good.

A friend recently reminded me of this verse:

Matthew 11:28-30  New Living Translation (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest
for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Rest for my soul?  Yes, please.  A lighter burden?  Yes, please.  What I didn't realize is that there is an admonition in this verse as well.  "Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart."  Okay.  Who doesn't want to be humble with a gentle heart?  I know people who fit that description and I want to be like them--like Jesus!  I am betting that being the kind of person who clings desperately to being right doesn't make it to humble and gentle-hearted.  Well, I am not going to be left in the dust on this one, no sir! 

So my question for my friends is this, "What feeling of 'rightness' are you clinging to?  Are they holding you back, keeping you focused on things that don't matter?  Is it worth the emotional baggage to keep carrying that crap around all the time, or would it be so much better, so much lighter to leave that with God and be free from being right?"  Let Jesus teach you.  With the sincere invitation, He'll free you too.  :)

Here's to living a life of being not right!!