Grapple: to engage in a struggle or close encounter (usually followedby with ): He was grappling with a boy twice his size; to try to overcome or deal (usually followed by with ): to grapple with a problem.
I realized today that I am grappling with God over another area of my life that I need to surrender. I am going to admit it, although it will hardly come as a surprise to anyone, my husband's ex-wife drives me crazy. While I would LOVE to spend the next few hours recording all of the reasons why (each of which are very justified, in my opinion) in the lines to follow, it seems to me that doing so would qualify as a "record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:5 leads me to believe that keeping such a record is not a great idea.
As I was driving home from her house today, I came to understand that the reason why I haven't been able to let go of my negative feelings toward her were because I didn't really want to. While I had been able to let go of my negative feelings toward MY ex, I realized that I just might have simply transferred all those icky feelings onto Brian's. Haha. Score one point for the cleverness of denial, and dock me one for a failure of righteousness. So, as with my ex, I didn't want to surrender my feelings, my irritations, or my "rightness" because I find it, on some level, validating and defining. Crap, here I am again. Tell me that's not a sobering thought: that I believe that I need these feelings of bitterness, jealousy, and contempt to define me as a person. Epic fail.
The beauty of a relationship with God, however, is that living with these feelings, and nurturing them (if you will), always causes unrest in the heart. So long as you are in the habit of listening, your friend the Holy Spirit just starts to stir things up and reminds you of verses like 1 John 4:20 & 21. "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters." While I am certainly not saying that I hate her, sometimes the feelings walk perilously close to that edge. I will note, for the record, that the day we went to church with her and her husband (not a double date, my step-daughter was getting baptized), I found it hard to feel animosity (another cleverly disguised word for "hate") toward someone I was worshipping with. It should be hard to not like someone who loves the same God I do, and yet, those feelings lasted only so long as the service.
So later this afternoon I asked God, as I am prone to do, "Why can't following Christ be easier? Why is it that we have to uncover our innermost thoughts and surrender them to His purpose in our lives (besides the Sunday School answer of 'because the Bible says to')?" Invited to respond, the Holy Spirit revealed to my soul, "Maybe it was because nothing Jesus did for you was easy. Living a perfect and sinless life in your place wasn't easy, challenging the religious and cultural norms of his day wasn't easy, and dying a tortured death in your place wasn't either." Oh. That.
When taken from this perspective, the better question that Christ followers should be asking themselves is, "Am I doing anything to shelter myself from a life of truly following Christ? Of skipping the easy trail in favor of the trail that demands more of me, of my faith, and of my commitment to God?" Because really, friends, if it's easy, you probably aren't doing it right. I'm not talking about selling your possessions and creating discomfort for the sake of religion, but I am talking about self-examination of the type that hurts your soul, for the sake of pleasing a God that could have anything he desires, but desires nothing more than to have a deep, meaningful, and personal relationship with each and every one of his creation--something that he does not require of us, but rather gives us the choice to pursue. Or not. Or to do so in a half-assed, let's-just-do-the-fun-stuff-that-feels-good-way. Or with complete and total reckless abandon. With a loss of self that becomes defined by wanting to live a life that more and more, reflects the glory of God's son. For the benefit of your friends. For the benefit of your boss and co-workers. For the benefit of your family. And for the benefit of the exs. For. Their. Benefit. Because something tells me that when I start doing things that will truly benefit either of the exes, I think that I will be the real winner in this deal. I win a heart that is no longer tethered to the ground by roots of anger, bitterness, aggravation, etc; but rather one that can be molded and shaped by the hand of God. The process requires patience and willingness to start over, sometimes every day for awhile, but the end result is a Christlike beauty that the world just needs to see more of.
And really, at the end of the day, I should be sending her a thank-you email every week, because if she hadn't grown weary of her/my husband and had instead stayed married to him, the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of knowing, I wouldn't know the joy of marriage that I do with him now. Honestly, I should feel nothing but gratitude toward her. And you know, the things she does that drive me crazy? Well, she can work those out with God without my help. He probably doesn't need it anyway. :0)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Father's Day...A little late!
Sunday was Father's Day, and while my husband's FD dessert was baking (photo below), and while he was cooking himself a delicious flank steak, I did my resistance workout. I did three rounds, and I was (again) amazed at how important it is for me to have salt. I wasn't even through round two when the headache and nausea hit, so I stopped to drink 1/2 tsp of salt and chug some coconut water. It definitely helped, although I need to be more diligent about taking it earlier because I would have liked to have done four rounds, but just didn't have it in me. Well, that and I wanted to eat FD dinner with Brian and his daughter, and I wouldn't have been able to if I had done another round.
Hooray for awesome husbands who are great dads too!!!
Here I am doing some pushups. They are boy pushups, even though you can't see my feet.
Below is Brian's Father's Day dessert; a paleoish Apple Crisp that was SO yummy and very healthy too!
This is Brian's fabulous flank steak...
Which I use to make a delicious flank steak salad with blue cheese crumbles (just a bit), sliced almonds, and olive oil and white balsamic vinegar for the dressing. SOOOOO yummy!
Hooray for awesome husbands who are great dads too!!!
Hitting a Rough Patch
Today, I hit a rough spot on this road to better health. This morning, Brandon and I went to one of my offices and packed up my stuff, and I think that emotionally, this transition is taking a bit of a toll. We got home and I made him lunch, then I took a brief nap, and then started working on another psych report. The problem is that my mood is in the toilet, and even Sunday's workout, which was really good, didn't help my mood much. Not sure why I'm feeling so crappy lately, but I'm SURE it has to do with hormones!!
I didn't work out yesterday because Sunday night was the worst night I have had in a long time. I had a hard time falling asleep, and then I woke up roasting and had to turn on the AC at 12:30 am. After returning to bed, I had the most horrible nightmare that I can remember having in a really long time, after which I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear that I would start having the same dream again. Needless to say, getting out of bed early Monday morning to exercise is what I should have done, but I didn't. I already had after work plans to go have a drink with my colleagues, and then I had to fetch Brandon at the airport, so I didn't get home and in bed until after 10 pm (hours past my usual bedtime!).
Today, then, was no better. I didn't feel like working out, but I also didn't want to throw my whole challenge away because of today. And I guess, really, it wouldn't be throwing it away because the whole point of the challenge was to get me moving more frequently than I had been, which I have certainly accomplished. Regardless, I am shooting for 18 workouts in 24 days, and skipping today would have killed that chance--so I compromised. Tonight Brandon and I rode our bikes to the park, shot baskets for about 25 minutes, then went on a 20ish minute bike ride. While I did not even so much as break a sweat, here is what I did accomplish:
I got out of the house when I didn't feel like it.
I did something with Brandon that he enjoys, at his request.
It was physical and it was outside on a cold, but not rainy, day.
I rode my bike, which I have been wanting to do more.
So while I did not work my butt off, break a sweat, or exhaust myself, what I did do was better than if I had done nothing at all, and so I am counting it as a "work out." We did have so much fun that Brandon and I are going to go on a longer ride tomorrow evening, which should be nice because it is supposed to be MUCH warmer tomorrow evening. AND I am going to get up early in the morning to do my TRX workout, which also (always) makes me feel good.
I didn't work out yesterday because Sunday night was the worst night I have had in a long time. I had a hard time falling asleep, and then I woke up roasting and had to turn on the AC at 12:30 am. After returning to bed, I had the most horrible nightmare that I can remember having in a really long time, after which I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear that I would start having the same dream again. Needless to say, getting out of bed early Monday morning to exercise is what I should have done, but I didn't. I already had after work plans to go have a drink with my colleagues, and then I had to fetch Brandon at the airport, so I didn't get home and in bed until after 10 pm (hours past my usual bedtime!).
Today, then, was no better. I didn't feel like working out, but I also didn't want to throw my whole challenge away because of today. And I guess, really, it wouldn't be throwing it away because the whole point of the challenge was to get me moving more frequently than I had been, which I have certainly accomplished. Regardless, I am shooting for 18 workouts in 24 days, and skipping today would have killed that chance--so I compromised. Tonight Brandon and I rode our bikes to the park, shot baskets for about 25 minutes, then went on a 20ish minute bike ride. While I did not even so much as break a sweat, here is what I did accomplish:
I got out of the house when I didn't feel like it.
I did something with Brandon that he enjoys, at his request.
It was physical and it was outside on a cold, but not rainy, day.
I rode my bike, which I have been wanting to do more.
So while I did not work my butt off, break a sweat, or exhaust myself, what I did do was better than if I had done nothing at all, and so I am counting it as a "work out." We did have so much fun that Brandon and I are going to go on a longer ride tomorrow evening, which should be nice because it is supposed to be MUCH warmer tomorrow evening. AND I am going to get up early in the morning to do my TRX workout, which also (always) makes me feel good.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Sweatiest Workout Ever!
...And not because I worked so hard either. It's 80 (hallelujah!!) outside, so today's workout was intensified by the heat. Don't think heat intensifies things? Try Bikram Yoga--oh baby, that's a workout!
Just to catch up, I did a great workout on Thursday that ended up being a mini-training session with my favorite trainer, Brian Rager. :) I am struggling with my form on the sandbag clean, so we ended up working on that for about 20 minutes at what became the end of my workout. My two favorite toddlers in the world came to see me, so I cut my workout short so I could babysit. So much more fun that working out, but glad I got to it before they got there.
Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of school for teachers. I got home early but was so emotionally wrung out that I laid down on the couch and slept for 90 minutes. Yes, it was bliss. I then declared it a rest day and did some finish work from my actual job. I was looking forward to today's workout so much I wore my workout clothes all day until it was go time!
I recently (like in the last 2-3 days) realized that I was getting bored with my TRX/Resistance rotation, and that there were a lot of workouts that I used to do from Bodyrock that I missed. Today I made my own workout using some oldies but goodies, as well as some new stuff I have picked up. It wasn't my hardest workout ever, but it was a good one nevertheless. Especially because of the heat--boy, did I sweat today!
My workout for today was:
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Sandbag clean with press @ 45lbs and Jump Lunge with Ugi Twist
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Pullups and Sandbag back lunge with kick-up
5 minutes of jumprope
Abs: Core split (about 20, I lost count)
Mason twist with Ugi (until I was tired)
Leg raise (not enough)
It wasn't a terribly long workout, but (again) I'm going with the heat for my excuse! Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I'll endeavor to get in a longer workout. Next time I will add two more rounds of intervals that I just didn't have the stomach for today due to the heat. And in the future, I am going to alternate a resistance or TRX workout with an oldie from BR. Variety is a necessity for me, and now that I am getting into better shape, it doesn't daunt me to consider mixing it up some more. AND, I start running again next week! Brother gets here Monday night, so Tuesday or Wednesday we will start running. Whoo Hoo! I can't wait!
Here I am doing the mason twist with Ugi. I think that if I were doing this correctly, I would be looking straight ahead, but sometimes I forget important details like that.
I wasn't going to put in one of these pictures, except that I noticed my neck and shoulders. Check out those traps! Holy cow, that's crazy!
And yes, for the record, I do feel a little like a douche-bag interrupting my workout to set the camera. However, blogging this little challenge has helped me stay more accountable and on track, so I will just be okay with feeling like a d-bag from time-to-time.
Just to catch up, I did a great workout on Thursday that ended up being a mini-training session with my favorite trainer, Brian Rager. :) I am struggling with my form on the sandbag clean, so we ended up working on that for about 20 minutes at what became the end of my workout. My two favorite toddlers in the world came to see me, so I cut my workout short so I could babysit. So much more fun that working out, but glad I got to it before they got there.
Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of school for teachers. I got home early but was so emotionally wrung out that I laid down on the couch and slept for 90 minutes. Yes, it was bliss. I then declared it a rest day and did some finish work from my actual job. I was looking forward to today's workout so much I wore my workout clothes all day until it was go time!
I recently (like in the last 2-3 days) realized that I was getting bored with my TRX/Resistance rotation, and that there were a lot of workouts that I used to do from Bodyrock that I missed. Today I made my own workout using some oldies but goodies, as well as some new stuff I have picked up. It wasn't my hardest workout ever, but it was a good one nevertheless. Especially because of the heat--boy, did I sweat today!
My workout for today was:
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Sandbag clean with press @ 45lbs and Jump Lunge with Ugi Twist
5 minutes of jumprope
3 rounds of 45/15: Pullups and Sandbag back lunge with kick-up
5 minutes of jumprope
Abs: Core split (about 20, I lost count)
Mason twist with Ugi (until I was tired)
Leg raise (not enough)
It wasn't a terribly long workout, but (again) I'm going with the heat for my excuse! Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I'll endeavor to get in a longer workout. Next time I will add two more rounds of intervals that I just didn't have the stomach for today due to the heat. And in the future, I am going to alternate a resistance or TRX workout with an oldie from BR. Variety is a necessity for me, and now that I am getting into better shape, it doesn't daunt me to consider mixing it up some more. AND, I start running again next week! Brother gets here Monday night, so Tuesday or Wednesday we will start running. Whoo Hoo! I can't wait!
Here I am doing the mason twist with Ugi. I think that if I were doing this correctly, I would be looking straight ahead, but sometimes I forget important details like that.
I wasn't going to put in one of these pictures, except that I noticed my neck and shoulders. Check out those traps! Holy cow, that's crazy!
And yes, for the record, I do feel a little like a douche-bag interrupting my workout to set the camera. However, blogging this little challenge has helped me stay more accountable and on track, so I will just be okay with feeling like a d-bag from time-to-time.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I'm Not A Quitter!
After yesterday's really awful workout, and a hard day of work today, I was a little worried that I might end up bagging today's workout. But I made a good plan: Go home, have a cup of coffee, then work out. That was a winning plan!
For today's workout I did the TRX workout, but since I didn't get started until about 6:45, I didn't have enough time to do two rounds, so I did one good one and added 30 seconds of jump rope between each exercise set--man I love the jump rope! It really gave the workout a great boost, and next time I will plan to do two rounds and include the rope.
I am finally starting to feel like I am in getting into shape again, and I love that feeling 10 minutes into the workout when you realize that you are going to rock it because you feel great, and doing the work feels great too. Makes me excited to see how much more I can do, or how much further I can push it.
Here, then, are today's pictures: These pictures are of the pistol squats. The first photo is me midway down in the squat, the second photo is me at the bottom of the squat. I hope to someday be able to complete them without needing to hold the TRX straps, but for now they are a big help; otherwise I'd go down and not be able to get back up!!
These pics are of the single arm row with a dumbbell. Great for abs and arms, they are one of my favorite exercises!
I also realized today why I don't eat grains, they make me super gassy and I hate that! Back to the mostly paleo-diet for me, just because it's friendlier to my system.
For tomorrow: I am going to leave work a little early because I need to get home to exercise before my favorite girlies come over while their parents go out. Babysitting the girlies is a favorite way to spend my evening, but I want to make sure I get the workout in first!!!
For today's workout I did the TRX workout, but since I didn't get started until about 6:45, I didn't have enough time to do two rounds, so I did one good one and added 30 seconds of jump rope between each exercise set--man I love the jump rope! It really gave the workout a great boost, and next time I will plan to do two rounds and include the rope.
I am finally starting to feel like I am in getting into shape again, and I love that feeling 10 minutes into the workout when you realize that you are going to rock it because you feel great, and doing the work feels great too. Makes me excited to see how much more I can do, or how much further I can push it.
Here, then, are today's pictures: These pictures are of the pistol squats. The first photo is me midway down in the squat, the second photo is me at the bottom of the squat. I hope to someday be able to complete them without needing to hold the TRX straps, but for now they are a big help; otherwise I'd go down and not be able to get back up!!
These pics are of the single arm row with a dumbbell. Great for abs and arms, they are one of my favorite exercises!
I also realized today why I don't eat grains, they make me super gassy and I hate that! Back to the mostly paleo-diet for me, just because it's friendlier to my system.
For tomorrow: I am going to leave work a little early because I need to get home to exercise before my favorite girlies come over while their parents go out. Babysitting the girlies is a favorite way to spend my evening, but I want to make sure I get the workout in first!!!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Allergy Shot Hangover
Whoa. I had no idea how significantly my allergy shots impact my system until today. Yesterday I had the usual allergy-shot fatigue, which I attributed mostly to the antihistamines, but maybe that's not all of it? Today I was up bright and early, out of bed by 4 am, and started my workout just before 5 AM. Not even halfway through round one, I was thinking, "WTH? This feels horrible!" Long story short, it didn't get any better, and I was only able to struggle through two rounds of my resistance plan today in 21:59. My time isn't horrible, but given that I did this workout two days ago and cranked out four rounds like it was a picnic, while bettering my time by about 10 minutes, today feels like a real blow. Blah.
Since there is a silver lining to every cloud, I will focus on the positive; and the positive is that I WORKED OUT!! Generally I would have just blown-off a day like this with a "Oh who cares?" Well today, even though I wanted to quit after one round, I pushed through a second. And as that one poster says, "A '21:59' minute workout is still better than a 0 minute workout!" Now I will take some extra time to stretch this morning, since I have quite a bit of it left!
May tomorrow be a better workout day!
Since there is a silver lining to every cloud, I will focus on the positive; and the positive is that I WORKED OUT!! Generally I would have just blown-off a day like this with a "Oh who cares?" Well today, even though I wanted to quit after one round, I pushed through a second. And as that one poster says, "A '21:59' minute workout is still better than a 0 minute workout!" Now I will take some extra time to stretch this morning, since I have quite a bit of it left!
May tomorrow be a better workout day!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Bah! Allergy Shots Day!
I am 1 day behind in my blogging. Yesterday I did my TRX workout nice and early, before church and shopping, because I needed to get it done so I could go to church and shopping (duh!)! It was a great workout, and I continue to be impressed by how versatile the TRX really is. So after a really hard workout, for which I was up before 7 am on a Sunday morning (whoo-hoo!), Brian and I went to the farmer's market in Tigard for some fresh veg. We got three heads of lettuce, three bundles of spinach for my morning smoothies, onions, asparagus, and a 1/2 flat of Hood strawberries. Yummers! Okay, downside of supporting local economy? Washing all the freaking veg! It took me 90 minutes to wash and prep everything. Ugh. Oh well, I kept telling myself it was better for me and persevered.
I had forgotten that I had an allergy appointment this morning, to see the doctor and to get my shots. Shot days kick my proverbial ass (as well as my literal one) because of all the antihistamines that I have to take before. So even though I was awake early this morning, I didn't exercise because I was so groggy/drowsy from the drugs. I thought maybe I might be able to work out this afternoon after work, but it's a fight I just can't win on shot days, so I gave myself permission to let this be a rest day. I am at 8 workouts out of my goal of 18, so I am doing really well. I will get back in the saddle early tomorrow morning with a morning resistance workout, and I will remember to put in a pic!
My diet has been bugging me today. I have been craving carbs like crazy, which either means that my period is about to start (possible, since it's always a surprise these days), or I have been indulging in carbs too often--probably the later, but time will tell. So my goal for tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, is to keep my eating clean with only "real" foods (meaning, no chocolate) and nothing processed. Since I just bought three heads of lettuce, and a bunch of other fresh veg, I think I can probably do it. My focus will be on nourishing my body, not satisfying cravings.
I had forgotten that I had an allergy appointment this morning, to see the doctor and to get my shots. Shot days kick my proverbial ass (as well as my literal one) because of all the antihistamines that I have to take before. So even though I was awake early this morning, I didn't exercise because I was so groggy/drowsy from the drugs. I thought maybe I might be able to work out this afternoon after work, but it's a fight I just can't win on shot days, so I gave myself permission to let this be a rest day. I am at 8 workouts out of my goal of 18, so I am doing really well. I will get back in the saddle early tomorrow morning with a morning resistance workout, and I will remember to put in a pic!
My diet has been bugging me today. I have been craving carbs like crazy, which either means that my period is about to start (possible, since it's always a surprise these days), or I have been indulging in carbs too often--probably the later, but time will tell. So my goal for tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, is to keep my eating clean with only "real" foods (meaning, no chocolate) and nothing processed. Since I just bought three heads of lettuce, and a bunch of other fresh veg, I think I can probably do it. My focus will be on nourishing my body, not satisfying cravings.
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